here is what i'm thinking:
Life is too fucking short for this.
It was only 4 years ago that i lived with my friends and we laughed all the time and never answered the phone.
Now everythings strains to be ok. Not good or great, just ok. And when it is good its over before you have time to recognize it.
simply, I don't want to be around poison people. I need to find people who are compassionate about life and art. Today i condsidered what my life may have been like had i spent more time writing and growing than drinking and falling. (Not at all implying that drinking makes you a bad person.) Its not important to dwell on these things but to think about them is interesting.
Its easy for me to write this here becuase the people who read this journal fall into the above catagories: compassionate, genuine, creative people who are who they are. its not as easy as you'd think.
i'm starting to realize i don't have to stick to all the decisions i made when i was a different person in a different time at a different place.

I bought a raggety little notebook to write it. I find this liberating becuase no one will ever see it and this practice is referred to as, "writing practice". (creative, eh?) Ok so the whole point of it is to plow through the pointless bullshit thoughts that go through your head each day to get to something that might actually turn into a decent poem/short story/great american novel.
The things that are coming out in the notebook surprise me. Not only is there some terrible 14 year old bullshit, but also some ideas I've never considered writing before. Its refreshing.
I've been running every morning before work for 30 minutes. Well, at this point its more walk/run/walk/run but its doing good things for me. we'll see what happens. If i'm going to live in california i want to wear a bikini. Just once.

I hate my job.
I don't know how it happened. I used to be ok with it... at least semi-ok becuase I make more money than I really knew what to do with. Now, I hate it. It sucks every drop of creativity and sincerity out of my body. I sit, in a light gray cube and say the same thing over and over again and take dubious amounts of uneducated bullshit from white trash people in Ohio.

So I'm not here to complain about my job, I just wanted to give you guys a little backround info. I have been spending my days wondering why all of a sudden I hate the job that I used to tolerate, hell i even liked it at one time. I think its that this move is coming so close i can pretty much touch it. 89 days to be exact. That feels real. all of it is so close to fruition, the wedding, the move, the total change of life... its scary but exciting. In the meantime I'm just wasting time. waiting. planning and filling notebooks (thank god).

isn't this the moment when i get in a huge car wreck and realize i regret wasting the time i could have been running through the hills with flowers in my hair holding onto a kitten?

I don't know. its just a drag. I'd like to see my friends before I move and wish they'd realize come december i'm not going to have time to hang out with them so NOW is the time? I wish a lot of things about other people but i'm learning to stop. i can't make anyone care about anything...including me.

"Write the truest sentence you know."
-Hemingway

I am such an exhibitionist I would be surprised to find myself doing anything in private that I didn't want others to know about. This isn't how I always was... maybe it is. Constantly exposing myself makes my "crazy" feel more justified.

I just wish that others were as attentive voyers as I am.

I need to say that I am completely overwhelmed with the wedding planning process.
all at once all these things just fell into my lap. This month every weekend will be spent meeting with florists, djs, cake bakers, dress designers etc. Everyday there is a phone call from an unknown number requesting a call back to schedule an appointment, or answer a question. (This is annoying because i have virtually no service for my phone in my apartment so it makes it difficult to chat it up on the phone).
I know it has to be done, and more importantly, I knwo it has to be done by January so I'm really surprising myself with how organized and quickly i'm getting it done.
its just really stressful, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

How long does it take you to know you’ve outgrown a person?
Scrutinizing them, nothing came out of my heart.
Of course no carefully woven words went
hibernating in the heart either. Nothing.
Even as a child I wore my shoes with such devotion
My toes popped out the end. What are
The warning signs that the plant you’ve been
Watering is wilted? It just is. They are. We are.

it's a staph infection, which hurts like hell. I have a huge tumor on my neck and a white bandage to cover it and three different kinds of medicine, creams and pills.

I'd like to know why I always end up with the awkward bandage sicknesses? the eye patch, now the neck patch. I look ridiculous, i'm done trying to be cute.

The blisters in my neck have become infected and formed some sort of cyst/tumor. My dad went in the hospital on Friday and I cried in the national city bathroom for what felt like an hour. People annoy me. I want to get away, i'm spending all my time exersizing, sleeping or watching tv. its really the opposite life i want but it keeps me busy.

I have so many mean things I want to say to people. not mean, but true. But i won't ever say them.
I often wonder what will happen, will I get the courage to say these things, or will they stop mattering to me? The part of me that wants to be healthy says the latter, but the part of me thats me says the former. you know?

I'm sure what it really comes down to is this: I'm jealous, bitterly of anyone who has more confidence than me. Sad, but at least I know who I am.